Scared
by wbelisabeth
Summary: The day after the final. It's all about the lack of trust that Arizona has, and what Callie thinks about it.


"We need to fight it out." The blonde says like she was talking about running out of milk, or telling someone her favourite colour. As though it was just a statement of fact.

"What?" Her head snapped around quicker than she thought it could. Fight it out? Was she kidding? They just spent two weeks apart and a month before that avoiding each other. Fighting was the last thing that Callie needed to do.

"We need to argue and get everything out in the open."

"Arizona."

"No I'm serious. You were angry. Really angry. That doesn't just go away."

"People died... I got perspective."

"No. You can't just suppress your feelings like that. Not after being so angry."

"Really? Coming from you-." She was a little shocked. No actually she was a lot shocked.

"What do you mean?"

"It means that suppressing feelings is your thing, not mine. I tell you what I feel. And it's so very apparent when I am happy and it's blatantly obvious when I am sad. I rant like a maniac when I am angry. I am so transparent and I tell you everything. I tell you whatever you want to know. But you? You suppress your emotions. You keep things so close your chest. I am learning slowly what your mannerisms and your habits really mean, but you hold everything away from the world. And then you say that YOU don't trust ME? I have been nothing but honest with you, since our first night together. I told you about my family's money – which I've never done before, I told you about helping Sloan with the baby – even though I knew you would be angry, I told you and I apologised for not putting your interests in front of my impulsive mouth and you were angry at me for days and that was ok, I took it, I understood it and I knew you were going to react like that, but I still told you... I tell you everything, I am honest... Too honest sometimes and yet YOU don't trust ME.

"You only tell me things when it's convenient. When there is a point to prove or no other way. I didn't know about your brother. I didn't know about your birthday. I didn't know that you smoke. I didn't know that you don't trust me... I have this tiny piece of you, this amazing tiny piece, that I love to death but there are all these unknowns. I love you and I will always stay because I can't live without you, literally cannot function, because you make me see in colour, you make me feel ten times more than anyone ever has or ever will, you give me the strength to do the amazing, the impossible... you are it for me... Did you really think that I would suggest having a family with you so that I can go off and date the girl from the coffee cart...? I was angry yesterday and I let it out I told you that I know squat _about_ you and it's true. Then you tell me you don't trust me and it reaffirms everything all over again.

"I know so little of you. I know you like control and, from that, order and I can only assume where that comes from. You have authority issues and again, I only have my assumptions about where they come from. And now I know you have trust issues... Trust issues that I can only assume where they come from because you only tell me things when there is an underlying issue, a huge catalyst. That's ok. It's how you are... You smile and laugh and are open with the world about everything that has little or no value to be open about.

"I fight for the little details that matter, I fight to see beyond the smiles, and that's ok, because every piece I earn feels like a victory. The thing that I just don't understand is: how you can say you don't trust me when I am so open with you and you give me so little, when you make me fight for everything, for every inch and you are the one that says that you don't trust me. I'm not angry Arizona not at all, because your words yesterday, they didn't make me angry, they made me sad.

"So I don't want to fight it out, but if you want to yell at me, if you need to yell and scream, I'll do it. I'll do anything if I can get a glimpse of the woman that has me so captivated, so utterly at her mercy. I'll do anything for you because if the last week has taught me anything it's that my happiness is dependent on your happiness.

"But I can only ask you to start believing me, because if you were George... I would have walked away... if you were Mark, I would have run away... if you were Erica I would have broken the record for highest land speed record ever, but you are Arizona Robbins and I can't run, I won't run. I won't change my mind. So yell and scream and do whatever you need to, because I'm here. Trust that I'll be here. I know I don't always say everything that well, that I am not that articulate, that I ramble, particularly now... but I am in love with you. I love YOU, not Erica, not Mark, not George, not the coffee cart girl that I am not even sure exists... You."

"You're not angry?"

"You are here next to me...You said we'd have kids. I don't have the right to be angry, because I have been handed everything I have ever wanted. You and I agreed on a future yesterday, whatever it looks like... I have no reason to be angry."

"But you say you don't know me."

"I don't know you, not wholly. I don't, but I know that you have a thing for chickens, I know that you are an incredible surgeon, I know that when you think you are going to have a hard day you wear your heelies, I know that if you don't want to say something but you have to, you look at your shoes and then bite your left cheek and then usually it ends up with you biting the bottom left of your lip. I know that you are a good man in every storm we face. I know that when you think no one is around you hum Disney themes, if you are happy you hum 'Let's Go Fly a Kite', and when you've had a run in with Mark you end up humming 'Gaston' to yourself. I know that you love sugar in your coffee and I know that for every spoonful you put in, it's another mile you run that night. I know that August 11th is the day your brother died and even though you haven't told me I know that you shut down from everything that day. I know that when you scrub in you whisper your patients name and what they will be when they grow up. I know that when you are scared you want to argue. You want to yell. You have to rid yourself of the energy so that you don't feel helpless, so you don't feel hopeless. I know that you hate feeling helpless. That you like control, in every way. I may not know everything _about_ you, I may not know people or events that have _affected_ you and _made you_ the way you are, but I do know the person you are now. I know the woman in front of me. I've listened and pushed and held you enough to have found out who you are and I will spend the rest of my life finding out the rest."

Silence filled the room.

"I still want to yell." She says in a tone that revealed she was ashamed of feeling that way.

"Because you are scared, I know."

"I don't have anything to yell about."

"If you want, you could yell about what you are scared about."

"I'm not broken."

"Being scared, isn't the same as being broken Arizona."

"But it is, it is for me. I am meant to be the good man in the storm. I am meant to be the stable and level headed one."

"You are stable and level headed. And you are scared."

"Stop telling me I'm scared Callie!"

"You are scared."

"Why? Why are you pushing this?"

"Because it's ok to be scared."

"So I'm scared? Ok? I'm scared that you are going to get up and leave the same way Kelly did. I'm scared that something like yesterday will happen and you'll stand in front of me again. I'm scared that something is going to happen to you. I'm scared that something will happen to our imaginary children. Ok is that what you wanted me to feel scared?"

"I want you to be able to tell me you're scared. I was scared. When I first met you. I was scared that you would be the same as everyone else. I was scared that the world would end because I thought a woman who wore heelies was the most beautiful sight I had ever laid eyes on. I was scared because my family is so Catholic. I was scared because I'd failed so often. Every time I had a fear, I came to you and you wouldn't even have to say anything to make me feel safe. I want you to be able to do that with me. To come to me before you need to explode, so I can sooth you, so I can share some of the load. I want you to know that feeling things will not make me care any less."

"I am scared of losing you to Mark. I am scared of losing you to men. I am scared of losing you to women too. You love so easily. You are so open and giving that I can see you loving someone else so easily."

"I love you. I am open and honest with you. I care about other people. I am not in love with anyone else. Just you. I have never felt like this with anyone. You can be scared. I am scared of the same thing, that you will find someone else, you'll find someone... better? I think if we are both scared it's good. I think it means that we both want the same thing. It's ok to be scared and tell me. It's not ok to hide it. It's not ok to keep it from me. Not when we've agreed on forever."

"You make me feel safe and secure. When I lie in your arms I'm so confident that we will last forever."

"But?"

"I'm worried that I'll lose you. I'm scared of what will happen then."

She reaches over and pulls the blonde as close as they can get pulling the blonde hand to rest above her heart. She could feel her elevated heart rate.

"This? This is what you do to me, even sitting here, even with tears in your eyes, sniffling, talking about fears. Even after almost a year and a half you still make my heart beat far too fast.

"But as long as it's pumping blood, as long as it is beating... that's how long I will choose you. I can't control anything outside of that, but I can control that as long as my heart beats I will choose you. And I don't mind telling you over and over for the rest of our lives. All I ask in return is that you talk to me. You don't have to list the answers to my questions today, but please, just tell me. Just talk to me."

She nods.

"Arizona?"

She looks up at her girlfriend.

"Yeah?"

"I'm not angry, so I'm not going to yell, but you know the next best thing, that I'd be happy to offer at anytime to help you deal with all that energy?"

She looked at the Ortho goddess completely at a loss. Her hand was still on the brunette's heart. She felt it speed up even faster than the already elevated rate. She shook her head signalling her ignorance.

"Angry sex."


End file.
